=| It's Only Words |=

New Life!

2005-12-20T09:31:00.000+08:00

ORD soon.

Been working hard, thus losing all my friends..

Beng and stan I seldom get to see them cos of clashed time... Eric and Ego cos I am simply too busy to meet them.. Even if i get off days i need plenty of rest...

New found job at MOS. Gigantic place and not everyone seemed as friendly... Many were cocky and I might be one of them..

New found 'gf'... But we both know there wont be any gd outcome between us. We are together just because we need companions. I feel inferior when i am with her. and plus I dunno how she feels.. But I really like her alot, a lil more each day. But i dunno whats deep down inside her heart. dilema!

Hectic life. Hectic heart.

Mez told me something in Cantonese: New toilet bowl, Nice to shit in.
Is it true?
I dunno...

I've Lost

2005-12-06T01:14:00.000+08:00

I've lost.
I am not the old me anymore.
I don't have the will to fight on anymore.
I am just a nobody.
Where's everything I used to have?
Lost to myself totally...

The Two Monks

2005-11-21T04:46:00.000+08:00

Once there were these two monks, they had to travel to another place by foot. One was an old monk and one was a much younger monk. They had a long journey.
Then they came by a stream and had a short rest there. Just when they were about to continue their journey, they saw a beautiful young lady in distress.
Being helpful, they went over and asked what was wrong. The lady told them that she needed to get across the stream, but for some reason she cannot wet her clothes.
Without much hesitation, the old monk suggested piggy-backing her across the shore since they had to cross the stream too. And of course the lady agreed.
Within a few minutes, they got across the shore and parted their ways.
The young monk was very puzzled. He kept thinking that it was rather informal to have physical contact with a lady, morever as a monk.
After a short period of time, the young monk could not hold his questions to himself any longer and asked the old monk how could he have do such thing.
The old monk replied, "I have already put the lady down, why have not you?"

P.S: Have you put down your past?

Quote: Taking up something is easy, but be careful not to hurt your back while putting it down.

Jack the dull boy?

2005-11-15T17:06:00.000+08:00

Long long time ago, in the southern province of China. There lived a boy named Jack. Jack was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He could not afford many things. He did not receive proper education.
As years passed, Jack has turn into an adult. In order to make ends meet, he had to work several labour jobs, earning his every cent through perspirations and toil. Every night, he will dream of having a little nice house by himself, find a nice wife and start a family, slowly save up to start his own farm. Every morning, he will wake up, with a smile, even though he realise it was just a dream.
But this same dream he get every night motivated him to work harder each day. He will work and work and work and never ever thought of having any fun.
Ten years down the road, he got himself a really nice girlfriend and bought a small little house. Two years later, they got married and started a small family. Three years later, he started his own farming business and got rich. He lived happily ever after.

__________________________________________________________________

Ten years ago, in the capital of China, there was this teenager by the name of Jack. His mum was a lecturer for some reknown university, his dad was a millionaire with his own business.
Jack never worried about what branded clothing to wear, which delicacy to try etc etc. He gets everything he wants.
Soon, he stepped into adulthood. But all he did was hanging out with friends, gaming at home, flirting with every pretty girls he got to know. In short, he was a bummer.
Every night, he dreamt of the coolest things that he soon will have, the different girls that he will get to flirt with. Every time he wakes up to find all these not around him, he just daze in his bed and wait for things to happen.
Years later, his parents passed away. He spent almost every cent away. Poverty struck him. He turn into a goner.

Growing Up~!

2005-10-31T03:26:00.000+08:00

Yes, in a blink of an eye, 21 years have passed. Slogged and slacked for two years in army, now it's about time to leave.
Needless to say, I am very happy and excited in leaving this shithole finally. Can't wait to get my tiny butt off that damned place. Only 3 weeks left before I clear leave.
On the other hand, I am very worried, almost paranoid. I don't know what job to choose and which job can offer me a reasonable salary to survive. On an approximate calculation of how much I need to survive, it will be around 1.6k-1.7k for a start. Given my educational background, I don't think i can be offered that high. I got endless bills, personal debts, home allowance for my old folks, my own allowance, etc etc to handle. It's just such a chore to walk into the adult world.
Maybe I wasn't that paranoid. Maybe it's because I met up with Amy over the weekend to discuss about the 'investment' thing. It was supposed to be a hang out meeting session and it ended up as a get to know her company session. It was something similar to network marketing stuffs only that it was single leveled instead of multi leveled. Of course it will be a great chance to try out if it works. But i really couldn't come out with the money. If not, I will definitely do it. So I guess I will not be trying it out for now. Back to why i was affected by the outing, it was the knowing of her colleagues and the comments they said that affected my mood. All they said were very true. But of course there were many loopholes as well. If everyone could have done it, everyone will be a millionaire. To me, this job can be tried out but as soon as one succeed liao, sooner or later he/she will have to call it quits. Because there will be a point where this network breaks, and the company have to close down. You can only see this if u do this in a mathematical way. I will not be saying what her colleagues have said because I find it pointless, many of those which I already knew beforehand. And trust me, network marketing is a very tedious job.
Well, Amy is striving for her manager post and I wish her all the best, I find her a very nice girl. Don't ask me why, maybe it's just my sixth sense.
Suddenly a thought just stumbled across me, has she been really happy working there? Will she be happy working there? I dunno, time tells all again.
Oh yah, I guess I'm gonna break the news to her sooner or later that Ican't join her. Sigh, I don't think she will ever stay in contact with me anymore, as I am not of any use to her anymore. I wish that won't be the case, although I am pretty sure it will happen that way. But anyway, I've been through worse. =)
But then again, the complexity in life is to find the simplicity in life.

Quote: Materialism, Money and Greed leads to Sadness and Evil.

The Slave Who Shits, Is Shit

2005-10-26T00:26:00.000+08:00

Argh, I cant stand this military life anymore. I have worked in many different companies before and I think this regimental military life is just so wrong. The worst of the worst so far.
Imagine doing loads of work, thinking that your superior will think highly of you and maybe give you a few more offs in his/her accord, where everything in the end turns back to square one.
This 'new' inspector is just so inflexible when we walk our grounds, as if he can get more bonus for such wonderful performance. Don't he know that we are not seen for what we do in our inspections?
I am about to leave this life in a month's time and I still get to do all the shit work. In the end my understudy seemed to be more relaxed at work. What did I do to deserve this? All the form fillings, faxing of documents, photocopying of checklists, abundant solo inspections with him, the beads of perspirations i get from the scorching Sun and the inspections even IN DRIZZLES. Then I am supposed to get these?
I do not actually wanna rant about all this but i couldnt hold my frustrations anymore. Maybe he never bring my understudy out in the afternoon today without me. Maybe my understudy got a half day off. But he should have at least replied my sms saying that we cannot fall out early. And also it's just too bad that he triggered my past bad memories with Wendy as my inspector.
I can recall very clearly what has happened over that period of time.
I recieved far more unfair treatment from her. Double standards, unequal treatment, to put it simple, Joshua did nothing and he received much more privileges. So I decided to work lesser. I believing in working whats its worth to work for that particular person. My fault? HA, and guess what she did? She went to tell Patrick that I have changed tremendously and refusing to abide orders. Can u believe that crap? Of cos lah. They in cahoots one mah. Who knows they have slept together before. She's a bitch anyway. I was so pissed the other time.
Back to the present, it turns out all of them are somehow the same. Sighz. I wished I can get out of that place this very moment. The whole office is full of devils. Devils in angels' clothings to be precise.
If I were richer, I sure to get alot of MCs.
Fuck these Shits!

Quote#1: Your boss will not see the good things you have done, for he only remembers the mistake you've gravely made!

Quote#2: Teach a man to fish and he will fish for the whole day, Teach a bitch what's a bed and she'll sleep around for her whole life!

Wordless Moments

2005-10-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

Not going to blog much today.
The previous Saturday night went clubbing with stan and beng. While waiting at the Macdonalds for beng and his friends to come, I think I saw Linda.
I can't be 100% sure that it is her. I am only 70% sure. Whether if it is her or not, my heartbeat increased when we came in contact in the eyes over a distance. I had a chill and sour feeling in my heart. She was with a guy, which I think is her current boyfriend. This current boyfriend is not the one after me, which mean the long relationship she had with him is gone.
I did not pay much attention to what stan was trying to talk to me about, because memories of her and me all came back in a flash. It was such an uncontrollable 'movement'. I couldn't stop thinking then.
I was pretty sure she is Linda, because i knew she saw me. And after seeing me, she asked her guy to look at me. What she said to her guy i did not know, maybe just telling him that I was her ex? Just a wild guess.
What saddened me is that if she saw me and recognised me, why wouldnt she wanna just say hi or something. Even a simple smile can make me confirm that she is Linda. She just feigned ignorant.
She has changed quite alot, more to the physical side. She is getting more and more 'angelic'. But it just show that she don't even wanna be friends, anymore.
Sigh..

Equilibrium

2005-10-14T02:36:00.000+08:00

When everything is created into this world, it is much of a balanced thing. It seems like a miraculous thing to me. Maybe not all will agree with me.

There's love, there's hatred.
There's man, there's woman.
There's peace, there's war.
There's happiness, there's sadness.
There's wealth, there's poverty.
There's death, there's birth.
There's water, there's fire.
There're bitches, there're bastards.
There're angels, there're devils.
There's truth, there's lies.
There's light, there's darkness.
There're cries, there're laughters.

and so on... brain not functioning well at this hour..

Quote: We come to this world empty handed. We leave this world empty handed.

Wishful Thinking II.....

2005-10-12T03:36:00.000+08:00

(sorry if I repeat any of the things I have said earlier on)

I wish.....

I can be naive forever.
I can be as happy as today as forever.
I don't doubt my life.
I got guts to know more girls.
Your words did not hurt anyone.
I am ignorant.
I can turn back time.
I love my friends forever.
Human don't change for the worse.
World peace.
I can provide my parents with better life.
I am a retard.
No troubles within me.
Happiness for everyone.
No hatred in anything in me.
I can be a bastard.
I can take over the world.
My car will be a Lamborghini Murchielago.
Santa Claus exist.

(to be continued)

Boatman

2005-10-03T18:13:00.000+08:00

I walked on the long sandy path,
Till the small wooden aisle.
Enjoying the serenity while resting on it,
Making ripples on the cool water with my feet.
Walked down the aisle a little more,
Suddenly I felt so tall.
I got myself in my little white boat,
With just a little effort took.
My little hands started to row with the little oars,
Though shaky I was never scared I’d fall.
Into the horizon I gradually advanced,
Everything seemed so pretty in front.
Now in the middle of the calm sea,
Laid on my back and into the sky I see.
Birds flying in the sky so carefree,
I wished they could take me.
It was gorgeous to see the sun setting,
Not any sooner it was getting.
Night fell and I am still there,
No family or friends that would care.
I am lost in the sea in my little white boat,
Nope it was I who chose to stay in my little white boat.
At least I won’t feel small,
When I get back on shore.

A nice slow song by Dick Lee called 'Little White Boat';

Sailing in my little white boat,
Far as i can be.
Drifting in my little white boat,
Set my spirits free.
Take me deep inside your dreams,
Over seas of blue.
To your magic place,
Where i can be with you.

Quote: In this life that cannot be replayed, time is often wasted on separation, miunderstandings and mistakes.

Great Mum

2005-09-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

Another touching story that i read...

The Mum Who Had Only One Eye

My mom only had one eye.I hated her... she was such an embarrassment...
She cooked for students & teachers...to support the family.There was this one day during elementary school and my mom came.I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me?I threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school..."Your mom only has one eye?!?!"...eeeee said a friend.I wished my mom would just disappear from this world.So I said to my mom, "Mom... Why don't you have the other eye?!If you're only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you justdie?!!!" My mom did not respond...
I guess I felt a little bad, but at the same time, it felt good to thinkthat I had said what I'd wanted to say all this time...
Maybe it was because my mom hadn't punished me, but I didn't think thatI had hurt her feelings very badly. That night...I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.My mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she was afraid that she mightwake me.
I took a look at her, and then turned away.Because of the thing I had said to her earlier, there was somethingpinching at me in the corner of my heart.Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of her one eye.So I told myself that I would grow up and become successful. Then I studied real hard.I left my mother and went to Singapore to study. Then, I got married.I bought a house of my own. Then I had kids, too...Now I'm living happily as a successful man.I like it here because it's a place that doesn't remind me of my mom. This happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when... What?! Who's this?!It was my mother...
Still with her one eye.I felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me.Even my children ran away, scared of my mom's eye.And I asked her, "Who are you?!" "I don't know you!!!" as if trying tomake that real.I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare mychildren!" GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"
And to this, my mother quietly answered,"Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and shedisappeared out of sight. Thank good ness... She doesn't recognize me. I was quite relieved.I told myself that I wasn't going to care, or think about this for therest of my life. Then a wave of relief came upon me...
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house inSingapore.So, lying to my wife that I was going on a business trip, I went.After the reunion, I went down to the old shack, that I used to call ahouse... Just out of curiosity There, I found my mother fallen on the cold ground.But I did not shed a single tear.She had a piece of paper in her hand....It was a letter to me. "My son...I think my life has been long enough now...And... I wont visit Singapore anymore...But would it be too much to ask if I wanted you to come visit me once ina while? I miss you so much..And I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.But I decided not to go to the school.
For you...And I'm sorry that I only have one eye, and I was an embarrassment foryou. You see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lostyour eye.As a mom, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with only one eye...So I gave you mine...I was so proud of my son that was seeing a wholenew world for me, in my place, with that eye.I was never upset at you for anything you did..The couple times that you were angry with me..I thought to myself, 'It's because he loves me..' My son... Oh, my son... "
This message has a very deep meaning and is passed to remind people ofthe goodness they have enjoy was because of others directly orindirectly. Pause a moment and consider your life!Be thankful of what you have today compared to many millions who do notlive lives as you do!

Wishful Thinking...

2005-09-25T05:14:00.000+08:00

I wish…

There will be no war in this world.
There is no such thing as money.
There will be no illness of any sort.
Everyone remained as a small innocent child.
There will be fairy tales that comes true.
I can wake up everyday in a bed of roses.
Birds will never stop singing for me.
There is no dusk.
I can fly.
Volcanoes do not erupt and earth does not quake and wind does not whirl.
Everyone receives eternal happiness.
I am superman.

To be continued…

Finally, It's All About Me

2005-09-03T14:11:00.000+08:00

Alright alright, yeah yeah yeah, I received countless comments about my entries. A lot of friends feedback to me that all the entries are not about myself at all. Sigh, actually if one really understands my entries, they will realize it’s all about me. It seems like no one actually know me well enough. Worse if one actually thinks I am ‘crapping’.
Well, the time has come since you all want to know about my life. I will write my life story from the day I was born till right now, and I guarantee it will be a long long story…

I opened my eyes and saw light and unfamiliar faces in 1984. A couple smiling and talking ‘alienated’ language to me. I wailed. Some people in uniforms carried me away to another room.
I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My dad was the sole breadwinner and slogged his way working as an artisan (some kind of repair-man-who-knows-it-all) in a hotel. My mum had very little education and never worked because my dad did not allow her to as he was afraid she might get bullied. My parents were the happiest parent on earth when I came into this world as their prayers were heard. The only bad thing was that my parents and I got quite a big age gap. They took a gamble and they were lucky. So you can imagine how traditional my family was, to hope for a son to carry on the family line.
I have 3 elder sisters, youngest is already 5 years my senior. They loved me quite a lot and took great care of me when I was a kid. As a carefree toddler, I almost got everything I wanted then from affordable toys to affordable meals. I was the apple of the eye. By human nature, sibling rivalry occurred. My third sister did not really like me then because I was getting all the attention.
All my sisters soon reached for the teenagers stage of life and begins to go out till late at night. This is where all the naggings come in and me being around 11 years old at that point of time, have to suffer the endless tormenting chants. And for no reasons, this is the time where I had to start doing household chores and help preparing meals. Sometimes, after a bad day outside, my sisters throw temper at me. I felt so devastated and could have no one to turn to. I started to bottle up my feelings. Once I stumbled upon my third sister’s sketch book while cleaning up some place in the house. It was a piece of her school work, an auto-biography of herself. As I did not know whose it belonged to, I flipped a few pages and read the contents. One of the paragraph was about me. It wrote something like this, “… how I wished my younger sibling turned out be a girl, so that we can share the same interest, dress her up, etc. But it turned out to be a boy, and it is so annoying that he is getting all the attentions..” I was depressed, only until then I realized how I was placed in my sister’s heart. But I did not blame her. This is one little secret I have kept in my heart for 21 years.
I begin going to school. Born shy, school was like visiting hell to me. Strangers are filled everywhere and I had to ‘bobble’ my head to search for my mum on my break time.
During primary six I first had a crush on an Indonesian girl in my same class. She was gorgeous but two years my senior. I could only admire her in secret. Months later I begun to woo after another girl, Jiayin. She was the scholar-type while I was only the so-so type. Courtship days were sweet and it was my first time to give a bouquet of flowers to a girl. I did not even dare to go into the florist at first. She agreed to be my girlfriend one fine day but during the relationship we never held hands or kissed. All we did was chat on the phone for hours and go out once in a while. But it was sweet, really sweet. We parted gradually when we went different schools. We never contacted each other again, until now.
So it was time to go to secondary school. I hate to when I have to learn to adapt to a total new environment. I was anti-social, and people had to start talking to me first. During secondary two, I fell for a girl, Shaan. We got together. I lost my first kiss, just because we wanted to follow our literature novel ‘Tom Sawyer’ on how he pledged his love and sealed it with a kiss. After a month or two, she told me she do not love me anymore. She told me the she do not have any more feelings for me. My fragile heart cracked. A drop, just one drop, of tear rolled down my cheeks upon hearing all those. She was shocked to see me tearing and wiped it away for me. I walked away in silence. We never talked for the next one and a half years. During this period I started to neglect my studies, sleeping in class and not handing in any homework. I even took up smoking due to ‘stress’. It is because of the breakup I lost control of my temper. I vented all my anger at home. Closed myself in the bedroom or toilet and shouting at my third sister for hogging the computer and phone. Things got worse day after day.
Shortly after, my eldest sister is getting married. After she was officially away for the first night, I could not get to sleep and I even cried, maybe because I think I will miss her and thinking that all of my sisters will leave the house one day, I will be so lonely and sad.
As things between me and my third sister got worse, she opted to stay out with my elder sister for sometime, which after that she stayed with her boyfriend. My second sister got married a few years later and I missed her just as well. Now I have the privacy in the house as I always wanted, but I do not have anyone to talk to anymore.
Before my second sister got married, my grandma passed away a few years before my sister’s marriage. I loved and respect my grandma a lot and she was never ever nagged at all. She suffered a lot of hardship and it really hurt me a lot. When I was in primary school, she used to fetch me from school to her place every Saturday from extra curricular activities be it rain or shine even if her legs are suffering from rheumatism or not. Back at her place, she would cook maggie me for me and I will never forget the way she cooks maggie mee because she always double cook the noodles to remove the layer of wax on the noodles itself. We would chat until either my mum or my dad comes fetch me back. Sometimes she secretly stuffs a dollar or two into one of my pockets. Disputes had occurred between my family and my relatives even during my grandpa passed away. Before my grandma fell into bad health, she already said she wished us to live in harmony. She passed away at the hospital in the wee hours of the night. Everyone cried. Being a man-to-be, I ran out of the ward and down the stairs as quickly as I could to shed my last few tears for her. During her funeral, disputes happened. This time worse, vulgarities and curses were exchanged. It was really ugly. There were on-looking strangers passing by the corridor of the void deck. My eldest sister burst out in tears when she could not take it anymore and went by the side of the coffin to cry while burning incense paper for my grandma. I teared, not having the energy to wail although I wished to. Everything went chaotic. My mum threatened to meet my grandma, my dad in dilemma. Wad happened to the promise in fulfilling of my grandma’s last wishes? I thought to myself. I went to accompany my sister for a while, before went to look for my mum as she went missing for hours. The whole event passed with a little bit different kind of atmosphere. On the day of cremation, everyone cried bitterly as the coffin was pushed into an inferno. We went to collect the ashes a few days later, and it saddened me to see a loved one, so big sized, reduced to bones and ashes right before my own eyes. I started to fear death. Where will I go after I die? How does it feel like when I am dead? Where will all my feelings go? Will I be remembered forever?
At the age of 15, I began to work part time at a fast food joint. I stepped in a bit into the working world. It was big and not so pretty. With problems arising, I began to pick up smoking. I thought it would help me relieve stress, psychologically it did. But in reality, it actually added more stress to myself which is financial stress. I slept more in class, never hand in homework. I wasn’t afraid because I couldn’t care more about my results. I don’t confide to my parents, thus all my sorrows inside this bottle is almost overfilled and bursting. My grades dropped tremendously and my parents found out that I was smoking one fine day. They were devastated, and my dad never talked to me ever since. They were so disappointed in me that they totally gave up hope on me.
I still carried on life as usual, which every year seemed to be worse than the previous. Although I was not academically well-known in school, I was quite popular with the girls. I do not know why because I am not filthy rich or good looking. But I was never a playboy and I never two timed girls before. I was a Casanova.
At my working place at the fast food joint, I realized a presence of a presence of my ‘dream girl’. She is petite, pretty and got an hour-glass figure. We got quite an affinity because I always bump into her on the bus. I was mesmerized by her. So I got her number, which weeks of staying in contact I managed to get her to become my girlfriend. The days spent with her were the happiest time of my life. But things started to change a few months later. There were once I saw two of her male friends coming down from her apartment block when I was about to go to her place. And she started to treat me very coldly. I never pursued the matter. For her birthday, I made her a very nice-looking jigsaw puzzle (I hate doing jigsaws), I bought a little teddy bear which wore a dog-tag pendant with our names engraved on it. I bought flowers and a cake too. On her birthday, in the noon, I wanted to pass her the gifts first. So I went to her place again. Upon reaching she called me to tell me that she is busy at the moment, asking me to wait for a while below her place. I waited, for more than an hour. At her place, she initiated a breakup out of the blue. I nearly gasp for air. I almost suffocated. She just gave me a reason that she dun wish to be in a relationship. Nonetheless I waited for her to wash up to get ready to go out. This is when she received a call which she talked on the phone for hours. She was in another room and I was waiting in another room. While I was tearing, I saw the room in a mess. So I helped her to clean up the place a bit at least. I folded her scattered clothes on the bedside, I arranged her cupboard, I threw all the rubbish away, and I arranged her table. I came across a small funny-looking book. The devil on my left fought and won the battle with the angel on my right. The devil asked me to open up and take a look. On the first page, I already noticed it is a diary. I quickly flipped to the recent dates and read on. I came to know she was with another guy while being with me. At this time I was tearing a lot and it happened that she came back into the room. She screamed at me for looking at her diary and chased me out of the house. I asked her why she did this to me but she did not reply me. I never went home, I was at her place downstairs, eating panadols and burning myself with my lighted cigarette. I went crazy. It took me months and months before I could finally let go.
I changed from then on, I became rebellious and self-centred. I ran away home once because I wanted to have my own freedom. But I was ‘conned’ back by my sister as she said my dad was hospitalized after feeling so sad and I believed her. A few months later I even tried taking drugs once and it was a horrible experience. I felt I met King of Hades before waking up. I told myself not to touch any of such stuffs again.
After half a year, I got a few other girlfriends over the years. But among the large numbers of girl I had, there were only a few which I regretted for letting go of the relationship with them. They are Yvonne, Linda, and Felicia. They were really nice girls and they left me because I kind of took them for granted, breaking small promises like sending them back home etc. They all left and are living happily right up to this moment. But this is a irreversible path in life which I can only have myself to blame. After my previous girlfriend, I told myself to remain single and think carefully what I really want for myself for two years. I was single for two years, but still could not find another girlfriend for the next three years after the two years.
I got very bad results for my prelims and my actual exams got better, but still not good enough to get me into a polytechnic. I went into an Institute of Technical Education instead. At that point of time, my dad has retired and never provides me with daily allowance. So I worked full time and studied full time. It was tiring but I managed to not sleep in class. I was in an Electronic class and I did not understand any of the things the teacher said. So I quitted school and worked full time.
I worked in a waiter in a nightclub, seeing the ugly side of human, married men womanizing. I worked in a nightclub as a waiter and bartender, seeing how sleazy and ‘cheap’ people can get. I also tried working in a factory as a packer. All these jobs for almost two years, before I really got into National Service.
I was quite afraid of National Service but soon overcame that feeling. Basic military training was tough but it was all over in a blink of an eye. I was posted out to a headquarters to do some public health job. To my surprise, even a regimental office could have so many politics. I followed a real old male officer to do inspections and we did not like each other at all. Soon, he opted me out of his team. There came a new female officer, only 4 years my senior, and I was put into her team. I was the one and only person to assist her in the inspections. I did almost everything, from inspections, filing documents, clearing of the mess on her table etc, all by myself. I never complained and I was not given any privileges.
Once she was on medical leave for a week, and I was puzzled on what happened. She came back a week after looking very different. I did not probe into the matter. One day, she invited us to her chalet. A few of us went, and spent the nights there. I realized she was not wearing her wedding ring anymore. I suspected that she was having problems with her hubby and I was right. In the chalet, she told me part of the story in general. Her hubby did not go for the chalet so we guys decided to stay throughout the chalet to accompany her and to prevent her to do anything foolish. We had great fun over the days but somehow behind these laughters, I could feel her agony deep within her.
After the chalet, we chatted almost every night and got closer day by day. So close that tongues started wagging and rumours spreaded that I was after her. I had none of the ulterior motives so I turned a deaf ear to these.
We went movie a couple of times and chatted till late before going home. She poured out her unhappiness to me. On the phone, we joked occasionally like if we turned old and unwanted, we will marry each other. She also told me that she will not get married ever again and will not find a boyfriend, at least in the near future.
The rumours between us got worse and I wanted to find out who is behind all these. Once, she and I went clubbing with the rest of my camp mates. As I am not a dancing person, I sat down, drank my drink and talked with her. We got bored and left early to find another inspector for supper. At the supper the male inspector’s hand phone rang. It was a SMS alert. After reading, he passed it to me to read. It read: “Wendy and David never enjoy the outing, they looked bored. And not only me thinks David is after Wendy, even Darryl’s girlfriend thinks so too – from Loo”. After seeing that, I remained my calm. And I never talked to him ever since because all I expected from him was a simple apology. But he never did. He realized I was giving him the cold shoulders and he wanted to find out what happened. Wendy told him about the rumour spreading thing and he denied doing so. I never accept his so-called apology because it did not sound the least apologetic. Once he was such a good friend of mine who won’t admit his mistake and want to continue to lie, has now become dust before my eyes.
Shortly after, Wendy need to go overseas for a week for a course in Indonesia. As usual, we chatted on the phone and joked and laughed the way we use to do, when she popped a question out of the blue. “Have you really fallen for me?” was the question. I laughed and replied, “yeah, so how?” She claimed that she was asking a serious question and I think carefully before I answer her. I think the rumour has indeed turned true after so long, maybe due to the prolonged hours of communication. I did not stop thinking about her. But I told her that whatever my answer will be, it won’t be any importance as I know it will be impossible between us. We chatted some more and before she hanged up, she asked me to think carefully while she is overseas, whether want to try out a relationship with her. She said she is willing to give it a try and it will be ‘under-the-table’. I asked her to think carefully over the week for herself instead. She went for the course the next morning.
She came back, the first thing she did was that she called me, wanted to meet me to pass me a present. She came over to my place and passed me the box of chocolates she bought and we chatted at my place till morning, lying on the bed side by side. I held her hands, she never resisted so I thought that she gave me a chance. The most we did was we hugged each other and nothing more.
After sending her home, she gave me cold shoulders. She never answered my calls or my messages, and I called her home to find out. Then she said she think we cannot be together. I fell from a great height. The ray of hope she gave me just diminished in only a few hours. I rather she never gave me a chance in the beginning.
I broke down once again, I went out straight on my own without any destination. She became worried and came to find me. She rented a car and I drove the car around. In that particular evening, we went to Seletar Reservoir and chatted in the car, where she suddenly took out two Sentosa entry tickets and begin to break down. While crying she told me these two tickets is the wedding anniversary outing for her hubby and her. After a while we went to find my Master Sergeant to drink. After drinking one or two glasses she started to break down again. I stopped her from drinking anymore but my MS kept on asking her to drink. I brought her back to the reservoir and called for my Senior Inspector to come help me, which he came a few hours later.
She calmed down and she hugged me. The senior inspector saw us hugging but I did not care. He begun to suspect and I think they had a talk on this a few days later.
She gave me the cold shoulders again out of the blue and I was real depressed. My mind went haywire. I could not stand it while she became so close to the others suddenly. I begged her not to be like this, and I nearly committed suicide. I even wrote suicidal notes to all my family members and friends. I even called my third sister to apologise for what I have done to her in the past and she told me she never brought it to heart and I felt even worse after hearing that.
Pamela, Terry and Eric helped me and I broke down in front of them for the first time in my life. None of their advice went into their head. Pictures of Wendy kept re-occurring in my head.
Until one day, she told me in person that she got a boyfriend. He once picked her up in his car. She told me not to bother her anymore. She divorced her hubby, now with this new guy. And she got pregnant with this new guy, which will be delivered in a couple of months’ time. I felt disgusted and all my love had turned into hatred. I felt ‘dirty’ for having hugged her.
I quit all the suicidal thoughts and realized how important my family and friends are. I want to cherish and love them. I cannot die because my parents still need me to take care of them. I already let my dad down once and will not do it again. I have longed to sit down and chat with him like the good old days but I am too ashamed to face him. I know he still loves me although he never talked to me.
All her promises in the past were broken. This is life, where promises are meant to be broken. I hate her now and I also hate myself.
All these are not to whine about how bad my life is. This is practically the crucial ups and downs in my life.
One never stops learning, even if one wants to do so. This is all I have to say about my life for now. Now I have to worry only about my career after my National Service. And to all the broken-hearted people out there: You are not alone! There is always someone worse than you, only by thinking this way you will live life easier.

Quote: The complexity in life is to find the simplicity in life!

The Awakening!

2005-08-26T04:15:00.000+08:00

Human errs because God made us this way. There is simply no perfection of any sort in this World. It just gets worse if a mistake is repeated. We really need to be taught a lesson sometimes so that we can come to our senses.
Just how many of us actually cherished our ‘belongings’ especially our love ones? Only to whine and grow forlorn and regret when it’s gone.
No kids love school. Some quit school or never work hard enough to score well. Only to regret again after stepping into the cruel reality where the simple piece of paper certification is so essential in getting a job that can pay one well to support a family.
A pair of couple is happily enjoying their courtship days. They share weal and woes, had the same interest and they knew they were made for each other. People changes and maybe due to a small misunderstanding they break up. A few years later they met each other on the streets. The guy being single, the lady with a man she doesn’t really love. Little words were exchanged, only the ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ was emphasized. Neither of them felt good, and both were in misery to be precise. All it took was a misery to bring such agony to each and both of them. All these for not having cherished one another.
When one in a foul mood, especially those who bottle up their feelings, one vent his/her anger or frustrations back home. Quarrels, fights, ignorance and being solitude sometimes put our family in a dilemma. They try to approach you, but you turn them away although they made countless attempts. Is it fair to them? People grow old and their path will end one day, are you going to weep when they are gone? Realised how much they loved you but it is too late to even say ‘I love you’ to them. Can you show them how much you love them too at this point of time? Can they hear you? Can they feel you?
Friends are like diamonds, which is quite true. But they are still human too, thus they cannot be stagnant. You can have really good friends, even if they are willing to risk their lives for you. You can have a buddy having gone through thick and thin, having wonderful times together, laughing at the smallest thing one can ever think of, doing crazy things once in a while, etc. But then again, how long will it last? Either one of you has to adapt to a new lifestyle sooner or later. Even if they can stay with each other together for a longer period of time might not necessarily mean their relationship stays as good as ever because staying together is an easy feat but it doesn’t apply the same in fitting into each other ‘requirements’. Often disagreements, petty behaviour leading to small ‘revenges’, jealousy caused by inferiority difference, leads to a soured relationship and begin to drift further and further apart to an extent of being from buddies to being almost acquaintances. Where is the love that is so great once?
Human are overcome with greed, wealth, power and fame. Thus creating fights, or even worse, wars.
Let’s look at Philippines for a moment and have an interesting history lessons. People create religious wars just because of lack of mutual understanding and respect. Lives are lost. Why didn’t they sit down to settle amicably if they had the chance to instead of not cherishing their own lives and act on an impulse? Was it worth it? Let’s look at the suburban side of the country. People abused children and sell them to others for being slaves. Aren’t they inhumane?
So, guess wad? The phenomenal tsunami came and swept almost everything away in their way, destroying over thousands of lives and properties in that short time. Everyone panicked and didn’t know wad to do. Survivors survived with injuries superficially. The most agonizing thing is they have lost everything and it will be an unstitched scar left in their heart with profuse bleeding throughout the rest of their life.
Many other countries help out in the tsunami relief, from collecting dead bodies for identification to reconstructing new homes for the survivors. The work was tedious but it showed that there is still love in this world.
Even so, after much needed work was done, they are left on their own again. This people from the villages in the suburbs did horrible stuffs again. Due to lack of women (be it for pleasure or for traditional reproduction), young girls in their very early teens from other places are being sold to this men who need them. And sadly, some of the girls are even humiliated physically by their agents before selling to the buyers as sex slaves or wives. Do these people ever wake up? It’s such a sad and fearsome thing that we cant even change. It really hurts.
To me, the tsunami is a so called retribution as a wake up call to everyone out there, to tell each and every one out there to cherish the ones around you, the things around you and to have self-love and dignity. Let’s be awakened!
I am not trying to be sadistic by commenting all these because I think these are the things in life we overlook badly.
But then again, human errs due to being blinded by many things. Let’s just hope everyone can be enlightened and live a better live and to make mankind a much more beautiful and elegant creatures. We should yearn for a better world, a better life, a better us. Difficult as it may seems, I believe there is no harm trying. It really makes a difference if everyone plays a part, whether it is small or not. It not difficult to sit down during one’s own free time, to think of how to cherish themselves and how to be a better Man.
To a better colony, we come! Shall we?

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Quote: Cherish everything! The sun that shines, the air we breathe, the earth below our feet, the rain that drops. Most importantly, cherish yourself!

Marriage?

2005-08-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

Haha I know it's been long since I made a new entry, simply because I was too busy with quite a number of things.
Well, recently has not been going out. Firstly, I am too broke and secondly I am totally moodless to go anywhere. But went to PS mac to slack and chat with MEB over one of the weekends. Had lots of fun chatting and his hairstyle ROCKS! We suddenly came up with marriage as a topic for a short while, which this topic hung in my head for quite some time.
He merely asked me (something like that), "Why do people get married and suffer (working their life away) although they cannot support a family financially?" I thought for a few seconds and had no definite answers. Maybe there really isn't any. Because there are so many factors to look at.
I told him alot of factors. Hmm, it might be 'true love'. It could happened something like in a folly and somehow the girl got a child and maybe he cant shirk his responsibility. All these are just maybes. Anyway I thought to myself: Being poor is nobody's fault as long as he is working hard. Who don't wanna be rich? But we just cant have everything in life.
Well like I said, this topic hung in my head for the next couple of days. Of course I wasn't thinking of the factors, I was thinking about myself.
I won't deny that I never ever fantasize about my future. Everytime I daydream, I dream of me having the nicest family, how loving me and my wife is, how we love our kids, how we teach our kids, how cute our kids will be, how we work hard togther to support the family. The feeling is so great.
But when my bubble of dreams burst, I fall down with a loud thump back to the reality. I begin to look at myself in the mirror. I start to think of my future in a more realistic way. I begin to fear. So afraid until I do not wish to think about it anymore. Who knows I might not even get married in the future? *Grinz* But one thing for sure, I will work hard.
I am not whining about anything. Just that... Where is She? Is there one? I need Her. I am still searching... For Her.

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Dreams

Sat under the tree with all the greenery around me,

realised how beautiful this World can be.

Birds singing and children playing,

they don't have to care about other things.

Soon i raised my head and into the sky i see,

I thought of my future will it be pretty?

I started to dream a beautiful dream,

a dream which I am pretty keen.

My wife and I embraced in a romantic night,

A few years later our children playing by our side.

As loving as ever till we grow old,

children grown up are still our gold.

Sub-consciously smiling while I'm dreaming,

soon a few drops of rain started falling.

I woke up although being reluctant,

back to the cruel reality I have fallen.

Sighed but told myself that,

to work hard and the dream I will get!

Quote: You can live a life not being rich, but living a life with a dream makes your life richer. - Anonymous

Jar of Life

2005-08-17T01:06:00.000+08:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things --God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first-- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Lethal Laughters

2005-08-15T01:20:00.000+08:00

The Story of A Clown

This is a true life story about a clown named Donny...

Donny is an average man leading a very simple life. He is married for four years with two kids and the family lives in a small and cosy apartment.
Donny is the sole breadwinner and he works at the circus as a clown. The pay was a little meagre but he did not mind as he loves his job. He treats his job seriously, was never late and was never on medical leave.
He just enjoys bringing laughter and joy to everyone even if he makes a fool of of himself doing all the stupid acts like stumbling to the ground for no apparent reasons. To him, it's just a satisfaction which is so fulfilling. The louder than laughters, the more glad he will be.
Back at home, he never fail to ask on his wife and children and never fails to make them laugh even after a hard day's work. Maybe it has somehow became a profession illness.
Well, time got from bad to worse. His wages was cut by a big percentage and soon he faced difficulties. All along he only knew how to make people laugh and there were no other job options for him. Nonetheless, everytime he performed, laughter filled the air. But, it has become a real big problem for him trying to make ends meet.
A couple of weeks later, Donny passed a letter of resignation to his employer, saying that it will be his last performance that particular night. This time round, he did more than ever before, earning the loudest laughters and applause in his whole entire career.
He went straight back home and nobody has ever heard from him again for the next few days.
Three days later, someone found him hanged in his own apartment, body decayed. It was believed that he hanged himself as a note was left on the table given to him by his wife.

It wrote;
"My dearest Don,
Forgive me please, I love you alot but i could not live in poverty for the rest of my life. I hope you can find someone better and live a better life. I am bringing the two kids with me, to search for a better life too. Take care! Loved you!

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Nobody understands the clown,

when is he up or down?

What will you do if you were him,

to carry on or to die what do you think?

Everyone has feelings you cant see,

Who said it was easy being me?

Pondering & Wondering!

2005-08-13T09:50:00.000+08:00

The previous post leaves all of us to pause and ponder for a moment. Well it's all about the common and favourite topic on Love...

There are so many different kinds of definitions of Love from many different people. Some people thinks that Love is sweet, indescribable, blind, fairy-tale-like, etc etc. Whereas others thinks its bitter, agonizing, dangerous, ingenuine, etc etc.

Some people gets crazily in love, really blinded. In a moment of passion, they get married. After a couple of years, only to realise that they don't really understand each other well. That is when quarrels and fights start, turning the world's most beautiful thing into something so ugly and detestable. There are also people who thinks that to be in love, they must have birds and bees which i think it's rather absurd. These (normally) young and curious kids then gets into trouble when precautions were not taken. When comes to cases like these, one choose to abort or to keep. Either way, they have turned Love into a multi-problematic affair. It's just so cruel to kill an innocent live-being through such a menace way. Some choose to keep and get married just for the sake of the child, which most likely their relationship wont last long still.

Now let's divert the subject into family love. People like to complain big time about how their life sucks, this and that. Not being loved and concerned by their family. Let's have a scenario; Johnny is a mid-teenager, whose parents are very well to do, but have almost no time for him. He always could get anything he wants just by reaching out his hands to his parents. Then, due to loneliness and abundant freedom, he mixed with bad company. He took drugs, stole things and in secret society. All these just because he thinks his parents never really loved him. All these wrongdoings ended him up in a reformatory. For this, does anyone thinks it's the parents' fault? Can we say that the parents don't love him? We cant be sure. The parents are working hard to earn lots of money just to make sure their child will live life more luxuriously. Which parent wont want their child to live better? Johnny did not know that actually his parents were working very very hard for him. And that they worry for him during their work. Johnny did not understand what they were going through, only until they visited him at the reformatory with tears running down their cheeks, saying for the first time that they loved him and always will. Sometimes Love are expressed in many different ways, and it does not need to be expressed verbally. Love needs understanding! Nothing beats parental love, for sure!

Well, after talking abt Boy-Girl-Love and Family love, lastly is friends' love. Friends are important, and not very forever. People do change, either better or worse. This is human kind fact that we cannot control. Friends ( to me at least ) are categorised into few kinds; acquaintances, normal friends, buddies, true friends ( or brothers and sisters if you wanna call it ). Some people cheat on friends, some people are true to friends. We just have to open our eyes and heart to look for the one. But I must say that it is quite difficult to find one. How do you know if u have found one? Prolonged years after years you will be with him/her, sharing weals and woes, act like retards together, be kids occasionally, cry together, laugh together. Even if he/she makes mistakes and you know he/she is too stubborn to acknowledge and change for better and you will never bother to tell him/her off while you can still love him/her loads. Sometimes you hate him/her so much but 5 minutes later you get so soft-hearted to be the least angry with him/her. You miss him/her when you don't meet for more than 72 hours. He/she irritates you with his/her nonsense but you still can tolerate and laugh together with him/her. If you can feel this way, You have found your true friends' love!

So, whose definition of love is true? Answer: Unanswered because to each his own!

But definitely I think ONLY time will reveal love.

Well, that is all for now, and anyway these are only but opinions of mine, no offense to whoever out there reading this as i also don't really know whats the definition of love for I am never in love for too long. This subject is not the least worth debating, just worth Pondering and Wondering!

Only Time Will Know!

2005-08-13T08:32:00.000+08:00

Only TiMe will kNoW...

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love. One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.
Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat.
Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere." Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."Next, Love saw Sadness passing by.
Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now." Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered.
"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

I AM BACKED!!

2005-08-08T19:37:00.000+08:00

I AM BACKED!! LOL ... To be continued..